I miss you. It's kinda funny that those are the first two words that come to my head when i got a chance to tell you something.
Sometimes i try to get all logical and rational on how i should talk to you, try to find the best words not to hurt you, trying to be a better self.. and i got to the point in which i think i just have to be myself. I can deal with expressing my feelings. I can deal with trying to be better. I might (and probably) need a lot of help from my Significant others.. But i know I CAN.
When we were together i didn't think i could do anything without you. And i know, that is a pain in the ass. Believe me, i was deeling with some intense shit going through my head, but from all of that, from my mom being sick, from the shitty relationship that i had with you, and how i tried to keep things together with tape i've learnt a lot. I've taken the time to thing, and you know what? i try to think everyday. In making it better for myself, bc i got tired of this bullshit.
It's fukcing hard not having you around. For the first on feeling that emotionally attached to someone. I loved (and love) you. But now i realize that there are things that you are not willing to accept, or to face, or to deal with.. and that's ok.
you don't have to do the shit the way i do.
I just wished so bad we could make that work. But i felt that it was all on me. You're always right and when i tried to make a non harmful comment you would just take it as that, and get angry bc i couldn't say it the best way. I know i had mistakes, but you never considered what i was saying. You were just like fuck this shit.
You've said so many things to me over the past years, and i am not saying it to make you feel bad about it. Bc it already happened, but i really wish you to see how you actually affect others people life with your decisions: all those times you got drunk and aggressive, all of those times you screamed at me and at my relatives, all the times you didn't care about how i would feel about it because you couldn't just deal with it.
All of that, i forgive you for. But i had to be honest and tell you how i felt. and to show you that even when the other person might be really harmful and do shit to you that they are probably not doing in a conscious way..you can talk about it and get to be better..For yourself.
At this point i really wish you the very best. I would really want to be back with you and share life the way I think i have to live my life now, but that would be falling in the same mistake: i need to let you live your life your own way, even if it hurts the fuck out of my feelings to see you do shit to yourself that hurts you. Because that is also love, letting be and not trying.
I got tired of trying
I Am really tired of trying
I am tired of not being able to communicate
I am tired of thinking i am the problem myself.
And i really miss you. And i really love you. and i would die for touch your skin again and to feel the closeness to you. I just wish life get us together in some other moment were we can both enjoy each other's company.
Until life (or death) bring us back together.
Rodrigo.
